


A Private Little War on the Inside

by the soul (orphan_account)



Series: If the world tells you to lengthen your shorts, you must shorten them. [5]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Asexual Character, Coming Out, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Identity Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 06:56:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21222449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/the%20soul
Summary: Frank is asexual, but he doesn't know how to talk about it. These are several 'coming out' scenes to his bandmates over a period of four years.





	A Private Little War on the Inside

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [GenAndAroPrompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/GenAndAroPrompts) collection. 

> **Prompt:**
> 
> I just really like the idea of someone who seems really 'sexual' being aro. or vice versa: a hopeless romantic being ace. if that makes sense at all..? i guess the whole point is people being like, _wait really? because it doesn't seem so. _ and the person is just like _bro that's not how it works_
> 
> i mean, alternatively, someone who identifies with the split attraction model, who's either ace or aro, and saying, _fuck society's expectations_
> 
> .....
> 
> so this doesn't exactly fulfill the prompt as much as I would like it to, you kind of have to read knowing how Frank is characterized already, but I think in that way, it still works.

When he met Gerard, he started to question everything. Like, not his sexuality, he knew he didn’t really like penises, he didn’t even really like his own. It was more like, and bless his heart cos Gee is a great guy and all but like, if that guy could get it on why couldn’t Frank? Even with the age difference and all, for some reason, it just didn’t sit right with him. And then came Ray, and Frank felt like even more of an asshole for judging his new friends, but they were the most awkward guys he knew and they all had girlfriends and he didn’t so… 

“You’re jealous?” Mikey asked, because somewhere along the way he’d decided to confide in his polar opposite about this strange non-problem.

“I don’t think so?”, Frank shrugged, “Like, it doesn’t bother me as much as it confuses me because I’ve just never felt like, a need to go out and-and, I dunno, get laid? I just figure it’ll happen when it happens.”

“That seems normal,” Mikey nodded, although Frank had to question his authority on normalcy, “That’s how it is for most people. You’re just a late bloomer, probably. Don’t worry about Gee and Ray, though, the age difference does actually help.”

“Right, yeah.” Frank said.

He knew it was a real thing when, a year later, on yet another east coast van cycle with Hambone along for the ride, that the man in question brought it up one night at an after show house party. They were sitting on someone’s deck, no one really paying them any mind when the subject was broached, “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Go’head,” Frank nodded.

“Are you gay?”, Hambone asked.

“Nah, why?” Frank shook his head.

“Cos, if you were, you know, we’d all like, support you or whatever, just…”

Frank frowned, and chuckled a little anyway, feeling lightheaded, “I’m not gay, jesus, if I were that would be actually great. I’d be in greasy boy heaven 24 fucking 7, but I’m not. Why d’you ask?”

“Well, I dunno, I’ve talked about it to Mikeyway before even you and that’s when I noticed that like,” Hambone started, and Frank knew he was in for a monologue but it was fine, “You’ve just never had a long-term girlfriend, lots of dates and numbers but nothing, like, substantial. And then, you know, not that you have to because, you know, Gerard exists and he’s like, basically asexual on tour, but he has a girlfriend. And, you know, you just never like, you’re more sexless than anyone I know. I- that’s weird, sorry, but you’re like…”

Frank laughed, a gut wrenching belt, “Ahahaha, I am, I so… You’re fucked!” he doubled over from the pain in his stomach, his breathing turning into wheezes and silent giggles.

Hambone joined in, giving up, and sighed with an easy smile, “Man, how high are you?”

The really real problem of being single in a successful band was mostly the press. Interviews consisted of obligatory questions on their love lives. It was one of those just him and Gerard ones, on the couch in their bus, and the guy was asking about their first loves. Gee had this great story of high school heartbreak and getting dumped that he’d told a couple times, and Frank had, “I’ve liked a lot of girls, uhm, in high school I had this one friend I took to prom and we really liked each other but it didn’t really go anywhere. I still haven’t found the one, I guess.”

“That’s the worst kind of breakup,” said the interviewer, “When it just fades out and you stop talking for no real reason.”

“No closure,” Gerard nodded, “I’ve had that a couple times.”

“With girls?” asked the guy.

“Oh, yeah, just friends? Just, all kinds of people. Friends that move, or when you go to college and stop talking, it’s kind of soul-crushing in a-a delayed sort of way.” Gerard said, deflecting, and looking up to Frank, who nodded, but felt singled out and distant all of the sudden.

‘A delayed sort of way,’ Frank thought, what was that supposed to mean? Soul-crushing? It wasn’t so bad, he reasoned, he got to spend time with his best friends, that was its own kind of love, and he got to enjoy his own company. Self love. Not the sexy kind, just like, mindfulness or whatever. He wasn’t really lonely, most of the time. Maybe when like, his friends were out double-dating or getting engaged or eloping to other busses for the whole summer. So, okay, he was a little lonely.

He decided to take it out on Bob, who didn’t appreciate the extra attention in the slightest. They were hanging out in the studio-lounge of the bus one night on their way to the next city, the rest of guys stowed away in their bunks, Mikey missing as per usual.

Bob asked, “Why are you so attached to me?”

Frank shrugged, “I-D-K. Why aren’t you more attached to me?”

“I asked first.” Bob said, “But it’s because you suck.”

Frank sighed, “Because you’re the only one who gives me undivided attention when I want it.”

“Direct.” Bob said.

“In the name,” Frank sighed, “I should get fucked one of these days, huh?”, he ventured.

“Been a while? I get that,” Bob nodded.

“More like,” Frank bit his lip, he was almost 24, and nothing had changed in 3 years, “More like, never, actually.”

“What?” Bob asked, a note of incredulity in his firm voice, “That’s uh, well that’s okay.”

“Ha, thanks.” Frank shook his head, “I guess.”

“Yeah,” Bob said.

One day, out of curiosity, almost a week later, and mostly because the internet was actually kind of healthy for once, Frank decided to do some research. First, using the google, he looked up ‘virgin forever’ which heeded no promise. Then he remembered 10th grade biology, and shuddered, typing in slowly… a s e x u a l… h u m a n?

Some forums gave him context on other’s experiences, he wasn’t alone, at least, in theory. He could work with that, sure. Something called wiki gave him a detailed definition, describing how some considered the condition to be a sexual disorder rather than an orientation but his childhood wasn’t full of that kind of trauma so he figured it didn’t add up. After an hour or so, he decided to power down and go for a nap before their set that afternoon. Then he could lose himself onstage and in the crowd, and ignore the world for a little longer.

It was Ray who figured it out, because apparently Frank forgot to delete the browser history on the studio-computer, and it was kind of awkward but also nice. He was cornered outside the bus that evening, after the barbecue.

“Hey, man.” Ray said, “Uh, I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything but I noticed your uh, search history on the computer and I just wanted to ask if you were okay?”

“Oh, god.” Frank flinched, “Uh, I’m fine. Just, uhm, just you know, I think uh, science is really interesting and I have a friend who is that and uhm told me about it so I wanted to look it up and learn so that I could be more informed on their behalf, you know.” he rambled.

“I’ll be honest, here.” Ray went on, “It kinda sounded more like you. Like, about you, I mean. I know you’re kinda private about that stuff but, it makes sense.”

“I don’t wanna come out,” Frank blurted.

Ray nodded, uncomfortable, and cleared his throat, “No. Yeah, I mean. You’re not gay or anything so it’s not like you’re warning people about the kind of partners you’ll have. It’s kind of the opposite, in a way, it’s like… you don’t really have to say anything, if you don’t want to.”

“I just,” Frank said, “It’s really new, right now. I mean, I might describe myself that way but it doesn’t feel like a label. Like, it’s not the same as a name, or being a musician, it’s not part of me.”

“Gerard is secretly gay, I think.” Ray said, changing the subject.

Frank laughed, “Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Everything except for the part where he’s not into dudes.”, Ray shrugged, “It’s a front, it’s totally misleading and it’s exactly like you. You’re this single guy in a successful band, totally available but in reality you aren’t. It’s, what is it? Dramatic irony? Except, I’m an audience of one.”

“You’re so lame,” Frank shook his head.

“Yeah, sure.” Ray said, “You should tell your mom, though. She’ll be proud that catholic school wasn’t a complete waste.”

And things were kind of okay after that, and when he was asked about it he would say he was just basically asexual and that he didn’t know what he was missing even if it wasn’t totally true. 

In the Paramour, among all the ghosts and the difficult things, Gerard was the last to find out. It was one of those evenings where the day felt like it still just started, everyone was agitated and an electric current buzzed through the house following their session. Gerard went outside for a smoke, and Frank followed like how it usually went. They shared a light and stared up at the young stars, barely visible from the pollution of the valley below. 

Frank said, “Hey.”

Gerard raised an eyebrow, “Hello.”

Frank said, “I’m, this is irrelevant but… I’m asexual.”

Gerard stared at him blankly, “Thanks for telling me.” he nodded.

“It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud as like,” Frank frowned, “as a thing that I am, instead of just a way that I am.”

Gerard smiled, “I think I understand,” he bumped his shoulder into Frank’s in solidarity, “It’s good that you can talk about it.”

“It is,” Frank agreed. “It’s fucking great.”


End file.
